I'm getting so homesick. I spend so much effort trying to make sure that I get myself out of my comfort zone, that it never occurred to me that I would need to get back into my comfort zone. I need to just relax and be around people I know and love. I just need some peace of mind.

Today I ended up talking to Bryce about my fears of how my cynicism will end up affecting my future happiness. I feel that I needed to talk to him about it, because it's one area in which I know we share a lot of the same opinions and potential. I really do wonder if my belief that I'll have a hard time finding happiness won't just become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Am I sabotaging myself and my future?

Where this presents itself most forcefully is in my romantic life. I managed to once fall head over heals in love with a guy who turned out to be all wrong for me. Then came the second Dave and I was kind of lost in him even though I fought it. Since that, I can't seem to get really excited about a guy. I haven't been really drawn to anyone, and I can't seem to muster anything more than a passing interest in anyone I've met. I mean, I dated Steve for several months and never managed to develop feelings for him. I think that I've just been in a weird place in my own life, so I haven't been able to focus on my romantic needs, but I would most like to find some one I can just be comfortable with.

I mainly feel like my whole life is going to be changing and in turmoil for a long time, and I would like some part of it to be secure and welcoming. Ok, I need to stop worrying and over-analyzing. This isn't going to get me anywhere. It's just going to make me ill and cause all of my worst fears to come true.

I would just love for once to have a sappy love song apply to me. Like my favorite German song...WAS ICH VERSUCHE DIR ZU SAGEN IST ICH LIEBE DICH!!!!