A couple of weeks ago some friends and I were out at a bar and talking to a couple of strangers. During the course of the conversation one of these friends said quite matter-of-factly to these strangers that many of the people she knew had forgotten how to have fun. When I argued this point she looked me dead in the eye and said. "Yes Megan, you've forgotten how to take joy in life." Or something to that effect. As you might imagine, I was a bit taken aback, perhaps slightly offended, definitely deflated. Over the recent days however, it's sunk in for me just how true her statement is. I'd already commented on my inability to flirt. This weekend's Idiotarod left me feeling as though I should be having fun, but enormously out of place. Then followed the several day bad mood which moved from anger to depression. I know that much of this is cyclical, but I've also gotten so mired in my current situation that I'm out of the habit of enjoying myself.

The trouble is that until things turn around, I have no real motivation to try to get the old me back. I've managed to lose myself somewhere over the past year, and am letting her slip ever farther away. I know that nothing's really all that wrong, it's just that nothing's right either. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky, I have wonderful people in my life and a lot to be joyful about. Things will turn around soon. But that almost makes it worse, because I feel guilty for feeling so low, as though I'm not allowed to be sad.

For now I'm going to take joy in the flowers sent by a lovely friend, and throw myself into planning Sonali's bachelorette party. I know that everything will look better soon, and I'm just being overly self-indulgent at the moment.