An old friend of mine once told me that I try to know myself too well. That statement strikes me as just as odd now as it did then, but seems less true than it once was. Likewise, the conversation with Aunt Mary that I'm the most cerebral member of my family (her response being that I was the only cerebral member of my immediate family). I'm still more introspective than most of the people that had influence over my formative years, but feel less so than I have traditionally. Have I become dumber? More shallow? More self-centered? Less independent? I see that my friends seem to appreciate me and care about me the same way they always have, so whatever change I feel may just be one of perception. I feel dull in a way that I haven't since early undergrad, and stupid in a way that is entirely unique to my post-6th grade psyche (6th grade being the first time it was ever pointed out to me that I was smart or capable). It seems like all of the things I was once proud of about myself just don't qualify anymore. I'm old enough, and have been out of school long enough that they're not special. And thus, I'm not special.

I am currently not terribly well able to engage my own emotions, and that worries me for the potential implications it has for my relationships with others. If I'm not in touch with my own thoughts and feelings, I'm going to necessarily be less conscious of others' as well. As a cynical and analytical person, I've always had a tricky relationship with emotional responses. When I'm hurt, I feel ridiculous for letting myself be (as I've described in the past) a "sobbing mess of a human being." On those exceptionally rare occasions where I feel I might be falling in love, I question, question, question, all but talking myself out of it, in fear of coming off as too much like a 14 year old girl. Strange then that I'm worried about a lack of emotional engagement rather than a surplus. Is this because I've finally learned to let people in, and that progress is being threatened? I don't want to be cold, bitchy, shallow, self-centered, or empty. I want to deserve the love and respect of the people I value so highly.