I've always kind of believed that if you're unhappy about something in your life, it's your job to fix it. Naturally, people end up in situations beyond their control, but the acceptance of personal choice is still important. I think that this being able to take responsibility for the course of your life and admit to your mistakes and failures allows you to truly own your successes. For me, it's also led to a deeper appreciation of all of the help I've received along the way. I've been blessed by good and generous people, but I have to believe that it's a case of God helping those who help themselves.

This does also create a greater drive inside me. I don't think I've ever been motivated by the desire to succeed. It's always been more a fear of failure, and the need to live up to the unarticulated expectations placed on me. I've gotten a lot of support purely as the result of the fact that I've been independent and driven. As a result, I know that I have to maintain that. I'm not allowed to give up. I've set myself in contrast to other people and scenarios. I used to say that with the way my siblings lives were going, there was no room for me to fail because there was no slack left. My sister's been turning her life around lately though. I think that she probably got a lot less slack than our brother, and that's been good for her. So is it that the margin for error has decreased as our family has learned its lessons? Given how close she and I are in age, I would doubt that.

Oddly, I've felt two large changes in family dynamic lately. First, since Therese's been growing up so dramatically, I'm no longer the golden child. Honestly, with the amount of pressure that takes off my shoulders, I couldn't be happier. It's also meant that we've been getting along a lot better. Second, I seem to have established myself as independent of my parents and siblings (and even Aunt Mary), so I'm no longer grouped in with any one unit at family functions. I'm a free agent. This is nice because it no longer feels like I have to prove myself to anyone. It's like I've reached a threshold of adulthood and as long as I'm taking care of myself, everything's good.