I had two conversations with friends last night that left certain questions in my mind. The first was with Darren. For some reason, I've been wondering lately about the male/female friend dynamic. Always having had close male friends, it's something I've grown accustomed to, but I know that this is not true of all people and not everyone is comfortable with cross-gender friendships. I pretty much started wondering whether it has more to do with the guy or girl. At the end of the discussion he made the comment that I give off the tom-boy vibe, which makes me just one of the guys. Now, I know that I'm definitely not the princess type, and tend to be rather low maintenance, but a tom boy? I guess I've had enough guys be "one of the girls" that this shouldn't come as much of a surprise. I just wonder if rather than always having a friend who's "that guy", I'm going to end up being "that girl", or if that really exists with male friends.

The second conversation was with Dave. He's decided to drop out of grad school to grow up and figure himself out for a while. He made a comment about my having been right, at which point I launched into a tirade about not wanting to be right, but rather wanting him to be happy. We then talked about how a big part of the problem is that he no longer feels like the smartest person in the room. Apparently I echoed his parents when I told him that feeling challenged and humbled was no excuse for dropping out. Honestly, I never felt dumb in my life before I came here and now every person I meet is at least as smart as I am, and more motivated. Still, that's no reason to give up and go home. He assured me that this was not his primary reason for leaving school. I wonder at the truthfulness of that, but can't argue with the fact that he's been miserable lately and needs a change.

It's kind of hard to be so far away from my friends and unable to just hug them or console them when they're going through tough times. I almost feel like I've abandoned them, and that hurts. We talked a while about the stress I feel related to not having long time close friends around me. The people I know here are wonderful, and I'm making some great friends, but what's lacking is the back story. I feel like I'm always on display and have to constantly explain myself. I know that on a certain level this is what people mean when they talk about getting a fresh start or being able to reinvent themselves in new place. What makes it odd for me is the feeling that who I am is informed by so much past experience of who I've been in the past. The people I meet here only know me as I currently am, and I don't have much of an idea of who that is, or how to relate to her.

Unfortunately, when you have this last conversation immediately before going to bed, you wake up depressed and have trouble facing the day. I think that right now I need some sunshine and outside activity. I really want to go rafting...