Somehow I thought that part of the quarter life crisis, or transition, or whatever we're going to call my current malaise, was fear of growing up, a deep desire to avoid responsibility, or inability to define oneself in the new and unwelcome terms of adulthood. What I'm experiencing is pretty much the opposite of that. Single and unemployed means that I'm stalled, which negates my ability to move forward in life. I feel like my life to this point has been about being adult, taking care of myself, and being responsible. Now I'm at a place where that should all be paying off, and I can't seem to make it happen. I'm so many of the things I was trying not to be, and can only hope that I'm able to recover sooner rather than later. I'm still happy that I've moved out here, and grad school was a wonderful experience, but the sense of "now what?" and the concept that I need to somehow prove that it was all worthwhile have left me floundering. I really just do want to be a grown up, find a decent job, fall in love with a nice boy, and figure out what's next.

Or maybe this is the same urge to settle down that's had so many of my friends rushing into ill advised engagements and weddings. Are we all striving to our own definitions of adulthood and stability? And why do we end up at different destinations? For that matter, would I do the same thing if I fell for some one? Is that the problem? Over the past year or so, I've developed two theories regarding why it might be hard for me to find myself in that position. First, has my cynicism erased my ability to fall head over heels stupid in love with some one? Second, has it just been too long? Have I forgotten how to create and be in a real functioning relationship? A realization that just made this whole train of thought even stranger was the idea that if everything hadn't gone south with Dave, I would in all likelihood have been married by now. Of course, I probably wouldn't have gone to grad school. Odd to think how things like that can change your life. Continuing along that tangent, has the series of decisions that led me here made me harder to be in a relationship with? Is it maybe hard to make the appropriate decisions within the "we" context when so much of my life and growth has had to do with independence and self-awareness? I've been described as giving, understanding, reasonable, generous, and low-maintenance, but have I really given myself, or existed within my own parameters, never accounting for what the other person might actually need outside of those boundaries?

Ok, that's enough of that. This can only last for so long. I'll find a job and work from there. This sort of uncertainty and chaos just needs to be addressed logically, right?