I think that Jersey is now done for me. This weekend was fabulous. Cathy's brother and cousins were visiting so we went to a wonderful sculpture garden in Trenton (trashy scary town). Everyone enjoyed themselves thoroughly, and I was mainly just so awed and impressed by all of these bright, interesting, informed people surrounding me. It reminded me of why I'm going to back to school. I think that the past year has been a bit numbing and I feel a little dumber for the lack of exposure to this type of people. That was of course magnified by the people I have been meeting at work. That's not to say that they've been dumb or uneducated, simply not terribly worldly. I can't wait to get into that kind of environment. It's just so stimulating.

Sunday night we went to see the "panache" of the Jersey shore which was fun, but unbelievably trashy. So how does one cap off this fun and interesting weekend? By rear ending a minivan and bending my hood. I get the feeling that my time has peaked and is now heading downhill. In addition I'm getting stressed and emotional. It's feeling like my period is coming on, but it just finished. I was crying uncontrollably at nothing. I've been depressed and angry. I think that It's likely just stress related to my car, money, school, and work. It's scary to me to be an adult. I do honestly feel like I've missed some exit ramp that led to my twenties. Now I'm just a thirty-something in a 22 year-old's body. I need to conquer youth while also being a responsible adult. That's going to be a challenge.

The big change lately has been Kelly dumping Adam. Oddly, it's just made me feel even more insecure because she's already dating again. How great is that? I take Kelly's life and make it about me. Classic. Well, anyway, she's fabulous and of course this guy wants her. Now she has to deal with the rebound. I hope that she takes this opportunity to just be herself for a while and not try so hard to cater to another person and be what they want. She, just like Vanessa and me, spent years judging herself based on the views of the man in her life, and that's just not healthy. Now she gets to grow into herself. I wish so much that I could be there to see her right now. I miss her terribly, and it's making me homesick.

All of this just reminds me of the fact that my aversion to roots and being trapped likely has more to do with my own fear than my independence. I know that I'm not great at relationships, that men don't want me the way they want Kelly and Vanessa. I'm not the outgoing, confident, social, beautiful girl I want to be. I think that I've made some progress toward higher self esteem, but the recent weight gain and lack of viable social life haven't helped. Now, once again, I'll be in a city where I know no one and have to start from scratch, and I'll be leaving as soon as I start to make bonds and tie myself to people. I guess I feel like I'll never live up. I'll always be on the fringes and a couple steps behind. I want to cut ties and not have to disappoint people.

Ok, well that's enough self-indugence for now. I'll go to sleep and become normal one day. I'll just make one wich right now. I'd like to find some way of having the exciting and worldly life I've always striven for, but I'd like to pair that with a homier idea of just being in love and having some comfortable relationships (romantic and otherwise) to fall back on. I don't want to seperate and alienate myself from the people I love. I just don't thin I'm good enough to make these things work. I honestly believe that they're beyon me, but I guess I'll try to make it work.