I'm kind of getting sick of having the same old head problems pop up over and over again. I keep telling myself that I'm being proactive in making sure that my life is moving along, but honestly, I'm not convinced. I know that I'm not engaged in my topic of study the way I should be. I'm fairly happy just doing nothing. How and when did that happen? I love my friends dearly, but at the same time rather dread the idea of seeing them simply because I have nothing new to add. They're happy (or not) and going forward, but I keep finding myself back here in the same place. I don't really know what would fix this. There is the longing for romantic companionship, but I'm beginning to seriously doubt that I have the capacity for that anymore. It would also involve getting past the "prove yourself" stage with anyone, where I just end up coming off as dull and superficial.

I've always believed in and feared my own mediocrity, but I think it's just been driven home recently. Nothing really changes, does it?