Sunday, February 25, 2007
Last night some friends and I went out, had a good time, talked to semi-random boys. It was nice. The strange thing is realizing after the fact that I was being babysat by the wingman. There's clearly nothing at all abnormal about that, and he was nice, so it's cool, but I just wonder why that took until the next morning to sink in.
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the patented bryce kuklok wolfpack system®!
are you tired of being intimidated by a group of women, or finding the perfect girl, only to have her dragged away by a bitchy friend? well no more!
now you too can harness the power of the wolf by following my simple, time tested and field proven method.
step 1 - the game
realize and accept that women travel in packs for protection. you must divide their ranks, and conquer.
step 2 - the wolfpack
every person must know his place. there are three positions for a man to be in.
wing commander - this is the guy who calls the shots for the evening. he choses the flock that will be the hunt, and he assigns the others to their positions. wing commander needs to change from week to week, even for the unwilling, because it is important, as a wingman, to understand what the wing commander is doing.
wingmen - this system works for any number greater than 2. all miscellaneous men are wingmen. it cannot be stressed enough that, though the wingman may feel like his ego is bruised in the whole process, and he may not have a go at his first choice, this is easily compensated by the fact that he has the lowest risk and highest likelihood of touching a girl inappropriately later that evening.
the kamikaze - if someone in the group is not single, they are automatically the kamikaze, otherwise, it rotates. this is the most important, most difficult, and most fun position in the pack. it must be noted that the kamikaze is getting none, and if he gets some, he should NEVER hear the end of it.
step 3 - the flock
every man on the team must know who the corresponding women in the flock are before operations begin.
the alpha female - this is the wing commander's target. she is often head of the flock, but it is only necessary that she be the member of the group that catches the wing commander's eye.
the bridesmaids - these correspond to the wingmen. there is more flexibility here because wingmen can reintroduce and adjust on the fly in order to increase the likelihood of a kill.
the grenade - she's fat, she's bitchy, she thinks the best pictures of her are taken with a webcam, she tried to put herself together for the evening with clear little practice, she has irritable bowel syndrome, and, most importantly, she has the keys. she wants to go, now.
step 4 - the hunt
1. wing commander calls the flock and selects the alpha female.
2. the wingmen give a preliminary assessment of the bridesmaids and discuss. potential grenades are identified.
3. the kamikaze goes takes a direct approach, with nothing to lose, and goes straight for the alpha female. he mentions his girlfriend, with whom he is deeply committed, giving her a false sense of security that someone is actually just out for a good conversation. this time is CRUCIAL! the kamikaze must assess the alpha female for the wing commander and identify the grenade to determine whether or not the mission should be aborted and another flock should be sought.
4. once the kamikaze determines that the mission is a go, he throws the high sign to the wing commander, who doesn't notice him walking by. the kamikaze grabs his arm, introduces him to the alpha female, and quickly turns to dive on the grenade.
5. the wingmen then filter in, one at a time, picking off the rest of the flock and protecting the wing commander.
6. operational security is the ultimate responsibility of the kamikaze. in any event in which the grenade threatens the operation, wing commander or otherwise, it is the kamikaze's responsibility to turtle that grenade; even if it means pretending to take it home, followed by a sudden mind change in order to make their relationship "special". though the grenade is the biggest threat to the operation, she is by no means the only one, and the kamikaze should adjust accordingly.
it's that simple. follow these easy steps and you are assured greater success in nailing first and second tier women.
now you can go out with confidence that you have the power of the wolf.
aaaaaawwwwwwOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!
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